Beautiful Disaster

I played in the pasture today.  It was my goal to make it to the arena to play with the trailer, and we didn't make it out of the pasture.  Cal got extremely unconfident and I just...well, pretty much went catatonic myself.  I flopped down in the grass and stared at the cloud patterns of sunset.  My dad was playing with Furi and he came too close and I freaked out and started driving him away with his carrot stick.  Lol...he got offended saying, "Humans can usually use words."  Seriously, though, I wasn't thinking, all I knew was I wanted him away.  Then I fell back in the grass and stared at the clouds some more.  I lay there, as Cal licked and chewed, lost in my own thoughts.

I finished the session returning to the herd with Cal and hanging out with him at liberty.  He walked with me, and happily just hung out with me, licking and chewing, rubbing on me.  Buttons came over at one point and I defended my herd, and even when my dad chased him off and he went bucking away, and Furi took off after him...Cal stood there eating confidently.

I just don't understand.  How can I have such trust and a bond to where he'll stick with me in a 15 acre pasture a liberty, and not be able to get to my arena to play?  I feel as if our relationship is reaching new heights...he's clearly a lot happier hanging out with me than ever before.  When he's confident and we can really play, we're playing at greater distances and as we do so, we just seem to get closer.

But after 5 years together, I can't consistantly do the simplest thing of walking my horse to the arena confidently.  It's certainly not for lack of trying.  Just thinking of trail rides makes me want to cry.  I don't think that's something I'll ever be able to do with Cal.  He's 18, and though everyone is always surprised to learn he's so old after they see him, he's not as energetic or flexible to powerful as he used to be.  Basically, he's not young anymore.

Me, I want to be jumping big jumps, galloping across fields, going on trail rides...doing a lot of high energy things.  Cal just isn't ready for all that.  When do I give up and find a new levels horse?  I love Cal (though it's taken me years to admit that) but is he really the horse I want to play with all the time?  Am I really going to be able to get to where I want to be with him?

Or is it giving up to find a new horse to play with?  Cal's complicated, sure, but who's to say that's not every horse on the planet.  Is a new horse going to be any different?  Just starting back at the beginning with all the little things I've worked through with Cal.

It's all just a beautiful disaster.