Melodramatic Moanings

I've had a horrible week of sessions with Cal.  He spent the time jumping at fences, snorting at logs, being connected with everything but me.  I laughed at it (while doing my best to fix it).  Then I got depressed by it (still trying to make things better).  Then I got determined to change something.

Which sounds good maybe.  Oh yes, let's go out with a different plan.  Experiment.  And all I'm looking for is a change.  (Specifically, a change that would involve less nerves about the world, some trust in me, asking questions, being a partner....anything along those lines.)

So I've been just pulling him out of the pasture to where I want to play, ignoring any small issues on the way (such as going through gates, or walking past stuff he doesn't like).  Alright, today I was going to play with it all.  I stood by the fence letting him snort at it, and finally lick and chew; sideways along it for more licking and chewing.  Finally breathing easy again, headed out.  Onto spending 2 hours of seeing if I could be light and he could be light.  We moseyed for a bit, as he didn't want to go far from the pasture.  Some blowing and a little relaxing, and he was no longer totally in the grass.

Alright, progress.  So I started asking for light yields.  Using intention first, how light could I get sideways, back up, hindquarter yields.  Okay, so he was a bit slow to catch on.  I kept having to pick up the stick for sideways.  Back-up he would get aout 10 ft with lightness, and then start eating.  Hindquarter yields worked if I was close.  Well, sure, that's all good, stuff to focus on.  What do I have two hours later?  Still ignoring me, not light, no connection.

Uh huh.  Change.  Riiiight.

I lost my temper and got totally frustrated and angry at Cal, and now I'm totally frustrated and angry at myself.  How can I be determined every day to go out, and do something different, and have it end like this?  Horses are like this addiction to me, I want to be so good, and always wish I could stop wanting it at the same time.  I don't believe I'm ever going to get where I want.  Definitely not going to unless I believe.

I've been here so many times before.  I'll believe I can change something again, and again end up completely burned out that it didn't happen.  I hate change.  Stupid, elusive thing.

Oh, and I also hate posts like this, because I feel like such a whiner.  =P